I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
