Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I AM VODKA MAN
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
