i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
