Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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