Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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