69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
