i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
