I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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