He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
