I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
