He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
