my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
