Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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