she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
