Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
