Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
