I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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