Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
