I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
