matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
