Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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