Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
