you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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