I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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