I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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