I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
