i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
