Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
