im about as happy as oj after his trial
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Randomize
