i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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