i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
