You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
