why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
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