I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
