I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
