I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
