Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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