Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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