I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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