Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
