I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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