Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
