i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
