It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
