I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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