So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
