Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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