Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
