The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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