Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
