So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
