he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
