put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
