i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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